WWE WrestleMania 38 night 2 results and commentary from Danny Damage!
There’s been a lot of wrestling this week, but we’re nearly at the end. Mark Wahlberg trying to explain WrestleMania to me isn’t doing anything for my excitement levels. The only reason I’d approve of his use is if WWE was trying to troll everyone that a malnourished John Cena was back from spending the last year in a Chinese camp.
The second night of WrestleMania’s rendition of “America the Beautiful” took the more traditional approach of a Mariah Carey impersonator having a fight with an angry alley cat.
Triple H kicked the second night off and said thanks to the fans before leaving his boots in the ring and walking off into the sunset. His recent retirement announcement came after he underwent heart surgery following a “cardiac event” last year.
Winners: RK-Bro (pinfall)
Another triple threat tag team match where there’s no legal reason for anyone to wait on the apron until they’re tagged; at least it only took them a minute to realize this and turn it into a dive-spotty skirmish. Then they all randomly forgot there’s no disqualification, so no need to tag in and out, and went back to waiting on the apron as they did at the start. Corey Graves even made reference to the no DQ element when the referee no-sold Chad Gable raking some eyes.
When they got bored of adhering to non-existent rules, everyone did a load of double-team moves to each other until RK-Bro hit a couple of RKOs. Post-match, The Street Profits brought a couple of drinks into the ring to share with RK-Bro. The faces also invited a ringside Gable Steveson to join them. Chad Gable decided to spoil the party and knock Steveson’s drink out of his hand, which caused Chad Gable to get thrown halfway across the ring by Steveson.
Winner: Bobby Lashley (pinfall)
Omos looked like an invincible Dragon Ball villain in the early going of this match. Everything that Lashley threw at him was countered, and Omos flattened Bobby to make him fight from underneath. After taking a bit of a beating, Lashley went into second gear and dropped Omos with a couple of spears.
Winner: Johnny Knoxville (pinfall)
Zayn caught Knoxville off guard at the start and booted his head off. This spilled to the outside, and Knoxville introduced a host of weapons, starting with a fire extinguisher. Then, we saw Zayn and Knoxville hit each other with every foreign object they could find, including the reveal of a table covered in mousetraps that would come into play later. There was a spot where Party Boy ran in, stripped off, and dry-humped Zayn until he got his naked ass kicked. Then Wee Man showed up and got a boot in the face too.
The daftness increased and swam dangerously close to AEW depths of a mud show. The finish saw the entire Jackass crew jump Zayn and help set up a giant mousetrap in the ring. Once Zayn was finally restrained, the awkward delay caused by the prop malfunctioning, Knoxville pinned his shoulders to the mat.
Winners: Sasha Banks & Naomi (pinfall)
As I’m sure you’ve figured out, I feel the same way about tag team triple threats as I do tag team fatal four-way matches. For some reason, this match was contested with two legal women at once, not one member from each team. Still, there’s no DQ, so it’s dumb. The other difference with this match is that 90% of the competitors are advertising costumes that they’ll dance around in – for a fee, of course – on their members-online webpages. Some of them nowadays don’t even try to be subtle with the cosplay references.
At the climax of the free-for-all, Sasha and Naomi hit a double-team move and scored the pinfall.
Winner: Edge (pinfall)
Edge has a new theme song and entrance, but I’m still not buying his fake-tough-guy act. AJ Styles could pick any random librarian and get a half-decent match from them, so he and Edge obviously put on a great show.
The purpose of the feud seems to be to get Edge’s “transformation” into his new heel persona over; he didn’t have any pocket sand, but he was a bit saltier than we’ve seen him lately. The crowd bought most of the false finishes, and the match came to an end when AJ’s launched himself off the top rope and got speared out of his boots in mid-air. Damien Priest’s appearance may have caused Styles to delay in jumping, and then Priest laughed and posed with Edge after the match.
Winner: Sheamus & Ridge Holland (pinfall)
I have no idea whose cereal Pete Dunne was caught pissing in, but he’s now called Butch, and he’s basically Scrappy-Doo spliced with Brad Pitt from Snatch. It didn’t take Sheamus’ posse long to cause distractions and drop The New Day.
Winner: Pat McAfee (pinfall)
McAfee’s childhood dream storyline is sweet, and the hype package was well made and all that, but I don’t know why they’ve totally scrubbed his match with Adam Cole in NXT out of their minds. As far as WWE is concerned, this is the first time McAfee has wrestled. Vince McMahon came out to introduce Austin Theory and sit at ringside; he didn’t have time for any small talk. The crowd was well behind McAfee, and they made a hell of a lot of noise, second only to Stone Cold Steve Austin last night.
Pat got to show off his agility and athleticism while mostly being on the defensive against Theory. McAfee rolled up Theory when he went for his finishing move, and the crowd went absolutely bananas.
Following the upset, Vince got in the ring and challenged McAffee to a match. McAfee ran into a few dodgy clotheslines, threw himself into the turnbuckle for Vince, and then ate the pin after Vince booted a football into his gut. Vince is fucked; this was embarrassing, and it shat all over everything McAfee did moments before.
While Vince and Theory were cackling about what they’d just done, Stone Cold Steve Austin appeared and delivered a fantastic stunner on Theory and a wretched one on Vince. Did I mention Vince is fucked, and he should be absolutely nowhere near any of this? McAfee was welcomed back in the ring with Stone Cold, where he received a few beers and a beautiful stunner.
Vince and Theory could have just stuck the boots to McAfee for a bit before Austin made the save; they didn’t need to ruin it with that awful “match” with Zombie-Vince.
Winner: Roman Reigns (pinfall)
Both Roman Reigns and Brock Lesnar started hitting all their big moves early on. The referee ended up taking a bump, allowing Reigns to smack Brock with a belt and crack him in the bollocks. This wasn’t enough to put Brock away, but a few exchanges and a couple of spears later, Reigns became the undisputed champion of WWE.
Before the match, Lesnar had some more fun and did his own introduction in the style of Paul Heyman. Whatever it is about the game he’s begun to enjoy, I’m all for it. Randy Orton went through a similar transition several years ago, where he went from someone really talented but really disinterested to someone that doesn’t just turn up for their paycheck but brings loads to the table and really sinks their teeth in.
WWE needs to trim the run times down if they’re adamant about having WrestleMania as a two-night LIVE PREMIUM EVENT. Other than milking that nostalgia cow once more, there was no need to pad out another fifteen minutes and give The Undertaker’s entrance another run-through. I feel like we keep saying goodbye to each other, and The Undertaker keeps coming back and lessening the moment.
See ya next time!
– OLDER RESULTS –