Life with having Aspergers
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Before we begin what I am about to write may not be written in any sequence that lines up perfectly or even transitions from paragraph to paragraph perfectly like an essay because this is me venting while expressing my hardship of having Aspergers.
So bare with me.
As a kid, I was always considered rude, loud, obnoxious and cold by my peers in school along with my teachers. I reality I am socially awkward with a mind that orients differently than of those around me and I think on a sort of different frequency than most people who don’t have Aspergers.
I was even told I was the worst student that a substitute teacher ever encountered in her life after some classmate of mine provoked me and I yelled back at him for being a dick to me….the substitute ended up seeing what I did wrong and seemed to ignore the fact that my classmate provoked me first.
My class and school mates called me psycho, a spaz, the R word used to describe people with very very low intelligences.
I was held back a grade in school because I couldn’t focus in school and the other kids mocked me endlessly for being older than them since then I hated on myself for getting older and not achieving anything in my life.
I would get bullied often almost endlessly by other kids no matter what school year or grade I was in and there were plenty of times I when I tried to stand up for myself but I would either be pushed back down harder by my bullies or the teachers would say I was the bully only seeing my part in the conflict and not my bullies because they knew how to manipulate things to look like I started it while I made things worse for myself with my naturally bad social skills.
Heck even as an adult at work like my recent retail job I was bullied by my fellow coworkers. My old grocery manager one time while he sat in the break room and I was a few feet away from the door where he didn’t see me said to another coworker of mine in the break room with him that he said I was dropped on my head by my mother when I was a baby and this jerk along with all the staff even knew I had Aspergers even and he still made that comment about me.
I even had another coworker who tried to trick me into eating a dirty chocolate egg she found off the floor thinking I was stupid enough to believe her not knowing I heard her talk to another coworker earlier that she found a dirty chocolate egg from the ground. This coworker even said I was slow up to my face thinking I wouldn’t understand her meaning but I did I just didn’t react just to avoid conflict.
I had a hard time learning things like math and couldn’t focus no matter how hard I would stare at the chalk board or listen to the teacher talk. The information would go in one ear and come out the other ear.
Having Aspergers I mentally age 5 or 6 years slower than most non autistic people and so maybe that was why I had such a hard time learning in school because my mind wasn’t mentally the right age yet to learn something like 8th grade math correctly.
It would not be until many years later that I would understand or got close to understanding math or other subjects I had trouble in school as my mental maturity is slower than most non autistic people.
My friendships never work out and my friends would end up leaving me at some point or I would leave them because things would get complicated and we would get to a situation where we couldn’t get along anymore.
I would crave to be alone after being around friends for so long and having to deal with negotiating with them on what they and I wanted to do?
I would no matter how hard I tried would come off as an unintentional jerk to other people and I have the bad luck of being around the time of thinned skinned easily offended SJWs or woke people running everything that with even one rude comment or gesture could make it that I never work again.
I have accidentally pissed off so many people these past few years of my life before covid ever came to be that I think someone or several people in my real life might have cancelled me without my knowledge and now even with my Asperger work agency helping me find a job…..I’m not getting any job offers.
I have major anxiety and can’t be around people in real life too long like Aquaman can’t be away from water too long or he’ll dry up and die.
I need my solitude like Aquaman needs to be in the ocean to be fully energized and focused.
It was this anxiety I have that I began hating my recent retail job that lasted from 2016 to 2019 because the stupid costumers would not stop coming up to me and asking me to answer their stupid questions about the store when they could’ve ask any of the other staff who were better at social interaction than I was.
Why do the stupid costumers always pick me to answer their stupid questions? I even once had a line up of 10 people waiting for me to answer their stupid questions…..my anxiety built up so much and to this day I hate costumers still…better go apply for a job at Lucasfilm. (That was a joke people)
I keep hoping to find love one day with a beautiful woman out of my league like a woman so beautiful and out of my league she could do professional modelling or acting.
Having Aspergers I can be very very picky about the foods I eat, the shows I watch, the clothes I wear and the same logic applies to women I would consider dating.
I seem to be attracted to model type women with high cheek bones along with beautiful face, thin petite frames, long hair past their shoulders, beautiful lush full lips, striking eyes, and perfect breasts.
I seem to be so attracted to a particular type of woman I can’t be satisfied with dating women in my town because most are average looking and not the model/ actress types I am attracted to.
My Aspergers causes me to be attracted to a template for potential mate but I also crave a certain personality type in a woman also which is that she is very open minded, kind, loyal, sweet, not quick to anger nor ever gets angry, has huge amounts patiences, rejects wokeness, and is extremely forgiving to everyone especially me because I if you knew me in person, you would get inevitably offended by me at some point because of the way my mind neutrally orients which isn’t like most people.
I can be quick to anger when things don’t go my way and throw a temper tantrum like a 4 year old but over the years I have meloowed out a but I still struggle with controlling anger.
I am extremely eccentric, and will give people all kinds of impressions about me as I by nature don’t conform to neural typical normality…..I think differently and act differently causing few to truly grasp or be able to relate to me or how my mind works.
In alot of ways I am like an alien stranded on Earth, only I don’t have any cool super powers like Superman unless you count the fact that I have heightened sense of smell, somewhat higher sense of hearing, and greater sense of sensation of touch in that if feel something like cold or heat I feel more intensity from those things than the average non autistic.
That is where I shall end this
The retail job not gonna happen, I forgot to mention that I had a shit time in retail, my boss was a piece of shit, I was meant to be part time but he gave me way too many shifts and they kept getting longer like 6 to 9 hours and I can barely deal with that even if I am paid $15 an hour. I think that jackass was trying to turn me into a full timer without benefits and doing it in a way that was subtle until I wouldn’t notice thinking I being mildly autistic wouldn’t notice.
The guy was a crony capitalist and not a true capitalist who would’ve done the right thing…and fired me but he didn’t the son of a bitch kept me on for fear he might be in trouble for firing a guy who is both Asian and mildly autistic. So this piece of shit decided he wanted to make use of me and deal with the problem with his full time workers not wanting to work longer hours…by making me an unofficial full timer in secret without the benefits.
The one thing I have wished for since Covid began was that my old boss lost so much money from the pandemic because most of the costumers who shopped at his store were elderly people and he lost so much that he ends up in poverty…..it would be Karma for how he treated me.
I never want to go back there ever again or to any retail ever again, plus I have to get the jab to even get that job that puts me around alot of people and I refuse to inject myself with an untested not FDA approved substance for a disease that isn’t even 10 years old that has a 99.9 survival rate for someone under 80 and 99.7 survival rate for someone 80 years and over.
Also thank you for calling me normal for my attraction to women you have no idea the amount of people I have encountered in my life over the years that have told me to lower my standards and not have a checklist when finding a wife. It is refreshing to hear I’m not crazy or uptight for wanting a beautiful woman pretty enough to be a Hollywood starlett from the days Hollywood valued beauty over agenda and who had a good truly down to earth personality too.
I had a second cousin from Philadelphia who kept telling me to lower my standard for finding a women or I’ll be unhappy and now he is married to a lady from the country that makes cheap stuff for Walmart. She demanded that he and his close family fly in everyone of her family from her home country for their wedding that my second cousin and his close family had to pay for it all.
His close cousins even said she wasn’t good for him and that she was using him, my fingers are crossed that she is a good digger and would rob him for everything that idiot second cousin of mine owns. If she ends up divorcing that big dumb ape then I was right……higher standards for finding a woman is the right call. Love isn’t like trying on clothes where you buy a shirt..you find out it, it ripped then you return it to the store for something else, no you think carefully and find the right person or you’ll be divorced.
Also I recently saw a psychologist awhile back she was a bit woke so I had to hold back alot and in the end she said I was mentally well and that I didn’t need her anymore. And also like you I don’t know if I could trust a therapist or phycologist to today’s world these are the same people that tell depressed teenagers to change themselves through surgery to be something else…..so that ain’t gonna happen.
At this point even though I am not Christian or even really religious…I think I should speak to a reverend or pastor instead cause most aren’t woke morons paid by the government unlike therapists or psychologists.
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