Nintendo Censors Scene From Paper Mario Remake

Censorship is no longer exclusively for Alex Jones but for everyone. It’s so hot today that all of the big corporations are chomping at the bit to get a piece of some censorship, and Canada has relinquished most of their censorship rights for the sake of inclusivity. We should all celebrate the level of censor-diversity, censor-equity, and censor-inclusion we have achieved in our socially progressive society.

Nintendo is one of these huge corporations that want in and will be releasing a censored version of the upcoming Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door remake. The game will be released on May 23, 2024, exclusively for the Nintendo Switch console.

Fans of Paper Mario who have been anticipating the remake’s release may find themselves lost or confused, considering that at least one scene has been altered from the original – a scene where three Goombas hit on, or cat-call, Goombella. Maybe it’s just me, but the design of these Goombas in the remake was obviously based oncrazy, gamergating Donald Trump supporters. I’m getting very strong red-hat-toxic-masculinity vibes from them.

In the original version of The Thousand-Year Door, Mario, Goombella, and Professor Frankly are making their way through the ruins found underneath the city of Rogueport. Along their journey, the trio come across three Goombas, who start hitting on Goombella. Goombella tells the Goombas to kick rocks. Clearly, she can stand up for herself, so why change it? Maybe the developers or the community managers were afraid that Goombella would come off as a based trad-wife, which is no longer socially acceptable in our socially progressive society.

The original’s scene dialogue:

Goomba: “Hey! Hey, man! What’s up? Who’s the hottie you got there with you?

Paragoomba: “Wassup, baby? Why don’t you hang with us for a while? We play real nice!”

Spike Goomba: “Man, what’s a FINE-lookin’ Goomba doin’ with a tubby mustache man like that?!?”

Goombella: “Oh, it is, like, SO sweet that you boys think I’m cute! Seriously! Yeah, guys like you make me feel like…TOTALLY BARFING! Now get out of our way!”

Goomba: “Ouch that was cold!”

Paragoomba: “What, you’re too good for us? Come off it, sister!”

Spike Goomba: “Nobody zings us like that! Nobody! Let’s get ’em!”

A preview of the game provided by CGMagazine no longer shows three horny Goombas trying to get a piece of Goom, but instead, three underground gang member Goombas (who were most likely designed to look like Trump supporters) bickering about Mario and crew trespassing on the Goombas’ underground turf.

The remake’s scene dialogue:

Goomba: “Hey! Hey, man! What’s up? You think it’s cool to just waltz your way into OUR underground?”

Paragoomba: “Typical! You surface-level snobs are so stuck-up. ‘OoOoh, I get to see the sun! I like to breathe clean air! OoOoh!’”

Spike Goomba: “Heh! Yeah! Come on over here, scruffy mustache man…We’re gonna teach you some proper manners…”

Goombella: “Leave him alone! Can’t two academics and a world-famous hero wander the sewers of a port town in peace? If this is your usual greeting to visitors, then you must have learned it down here…because IT STINKS!”

Goomba: “Ouch! That was cold!”

Paragoomba: “What, you’re too good for a fight?! If you ain’t lookin’ to tussle, then stay out of the sewer!”

Spike Goomba: Nobody doesn’t start a fight with us! Nobody! Let’s get ’em!”

Even the original non-localized Japanese script was written to have the Goombas hitting on Goombella, so again, why change it? Unfortunately, we, as a socially progressive society, are getting way too used to this sorta thing. It’s happening in movies all the time, not just video games.

As of this writing, Nintendo has not commented on the censoring of Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door.

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