AEW All In 2023 results and commentary from Danny Damage!
Once again, RJ City was on the pre-show, and he was as funny as the clap in a brothel. Who was it that found him amusing in the first place? My guess is Tiny Tony Khan, as he’s so easily entertained.
Speaking of Tony, his technique of twisting the truth to make himself look fantastic is straight from Vince McMahon’s playbook.
First, live wrestling at Wembley shifted all of those tickets, not AEW specifically. This is evidenced by the number sold BEFORE any of the matches were announced. Fans wanted to relive/recreate the feeling WWE gave them 31 years ago, so Tony came up with the idea of
SummerSlam ‘92.2023 All In London.
Second, AEW reported over 81,000 tickets were paid for and that they broke all of the records. So… is that 81k counting all the comp tickets Tony gave away to people/friends/press, and where do all the visibly empty seats come into play? Something smells strange, and Tony’s nose is obviously too busy to pick up on it.
Winner: CM Punk (pinfall)
A great opening contest from these two. Although CM Punk’s music got a big pop, most of the crowd was either in Samoa Joe’s corner or they were anti-Punk. They went with how the crowd was feeling, and they had some fun. Joe went for the Muscle Buster, but Punk bit his way to safety and won the match with the Pepsi Plunge.
Unfortunately, Punk then went and spoiled it all by doing something stupid like:
@CMpunk knows his shit in the ring, but the blind pandering is getting outta hand. Gonna be some sly back-peddling when he does some reading and finds out the harm to kids and the vulnerable that he's actually promoting.#NoOneIsBornInTheWrongBody #AEWAllIn #CMPunk @TonyKhan pic.twitter.com/xZjwUKr8Xm
— Danny Damage🕶️🚬 (@BluntDamage) August 27, 2023
Winners: Bullet Club Gold & Takeshita (pinfall)
Loads of obviously cooperated flips and referee-blindless later, Takeshita rolled Kenny Omega up while everyone was engaging in a series of special moves and poses. Same shit, different year from Omega and Blandman Adam Page.
Winners: FTR (pinfall)
Surprisingly, FTR retained their titles after countering a Meltzer Driver with their Shatter Machine. I say I’m surprised because the Young Bucks are two of Tony Khan’s favourite toys from the early days of his live-action wrestling figure collection.
Winner: Eddie Kingston, Penta El Zero Miedo & Best Friends (pinfall)
Need a piss/snack/smoke/awkward conversation with someone you don’t want to speak to? Now’s the time.
There was no American football field for this to take place on, so it was just a no-DQ 10-man skirmish around the arena. The picture-in-picture did very little to capture the chaos that was going on at the same time, and the live crowd was surely even more confused as to where their attention was supposed to be.
Because of Moxley’s hard-on for blood and acting like an embarrassing disgrace, he introduced loads of stupid weapons in the match to make sure everyone shared blood and fluids with each other.
Orange Cassidy went through the trouble of planting a glass bottle, some duct tape, and a bucket under the ring. In order to beat Claudio Castignoli, Cassidy put the tape around his fist (sticky side out), smashed the bottle in the bucket, and then pressed the glass onto his fist. He proceeded to Superman Punch Claudio for the three-count, but I wondered why he didn’t just shatter the bottle over his head instead. It would have taken much less time, and it would have looked a lot less goofy.
Winner: Saraya (pinfall)
The home crowd jumped out of their seats when Saraya won the belt. They weren’t massively into the rest of the match, but a memorable moment was made. Saraya’s family escorted her to the ring, sat ringside, and celebrated with her afterwards.
Winners: Darby Allin & Sting
I had moderate hopes for this match when I initially heard about it. There’s a veteran and a youngster on each team; they all work well together, and much could be learned. Then I noticed it was a tag-team coffin match, and my expectations plummeted.
Only one member of a team needed to be trapped in the coffin for the match to be over. Darby and Sting stuffed Swerve in the box for the win.
Winner: Will Ospreay (pinfall)
Sorry, but Chris Jericho is several years too late to have the match he wanted against Will Ospreay. It wasn’t as tragic as I anticipated, but it was very clunky and didn’t shine like it could have done just a few years ago.
But Fozzy got to perform “Judas” in front of a crowd that size, and Jericho can now brag that he’s played in front of a bigger audience than most. Another graduate of the Vince McMahon’s Perception is Reality School.
Winners: The Acclaimed & Billy Gunn (pinfall)
It took Fame Assers from all three of them to put Brodie King down, but The Acclaimed and Billy Gunn are the new trios champions.
Winner: MJF (pinfall)
The main takeaway from the AEW Title match is that although both men were willing to play the “lie, cheat, and steal” card, they both hesitated often and refused to do anything injury/career-threatening to the other.
The referee took two bumps, and Roderick Strong came down to get involved. Roddy hit a low blow on MJF and tried to get Adam Cole to use a belt shot to win. Cole refused and told Strong to go away, but MJF took the opportunity to roll Cole up and keep his belt.
After the match, Cole was visibly upset about his defeat, so MJF tried to cheer him up by reminding Cole that they won the RoH tag belts on the kick-off show. This wasn’t enough to lift Cole’s spirits, so MJF concluded that Cole did all of this ONLY so he could get a title shot. MJF turned his back to allow Cole to “get it over with” and attack him, but the two friends hugged it out to a big crowd celebration instead.
AEW All In was nowhere close to being the worst PPV from the promotion, but it was miles away from being perfect. Nine matches on the card was a bit much, but that’s what we’ve come to expect from Tony/AEW.
The free passes aren’t going to flow forever, however. It’s been a while since the UK has had anything on a similar scale to this, so it’s no surprise that many would flock to be a part of it. Tony wants this to be an annual event, so he’d better start tightening things up and not leaving the match announcements until the last minute, for starters.
– OLDER RESULTS –