AEW All Out 2023 results and commentary from Danny Damage!
“Hi, we just got rid of our biggest star, and we’re offering you Orange Cassidy vs. Jon Moxley as a main event for a PPV in said star’s hometown…”
The crowd was pretty silent during the opening, and there was a “Tony Khan just cured cancer” sign on the front row from the very start. Probably one of Tony’s or the Buck’s rent boys.
The ring and arena were plastered with CM Punk’s four red stars; what a time to sack him. Also, Draft Kings was represented heavily on all the signage, too. How nice of Tony Khan to take advantage of his fan base, which is evidently filled with many young and vulnerable individuals. What a guy!
Winners: MJF & Adam Cole (pinfall)
Cole had to go it alone when MJF was carried out with a suspected neck injury. Max returned later to save Cole, make a comeback, and set up the finish. Sadly, MJF fell off the cliff at the AEW Pillow Fight/Four Pillars match. Ever since, it’s just been Uncle Max’s whacky antics.
MJF and Cole won with their double clothesline, and the medical team returned to show more concern for Max’s neck. Before they got all the way up the ramp, Samoa Joe marched down for his match, and he pushed MJF out of the way. MJF followed Joe into the ring and jumped him. Joe turned things around fast and cranked on Max’s neck with a guillotine before they were pulled apart by officials.
Winner: Samoa Joe (submission)
These two big lads battered the piss out of each other as soon as the bell rang. It didn’t go for too long, but it did what it was supposed to do.
The slug-fest came to an end when Joe got the better of a striking exchange and locked in the rear-naked choke.
Winner: Luchasaurus (pinfall)
Darby took a beating outside the ring early on. The useless referee stood and watched them on the floor for about three minutes without attempting to count a ring-out. He also ignored Darby hitting Luchasaurus’ legs with a chair.
Christian distracted Darby during his final comeback, but two tombstones in a row topped with a clothesline to the back of the head put the challenger down.
Both of these guys have spent a lot of time around Christian’s influence, and it shows. Good stuff.
Winner: Miro (submission)
Absolutely nothing wrong with this match in its own bubble. The problem is that we just had a similar “meathead vs. meathead” matchup between Samoa Joe and Shane Taylor, not to mention that both of these guys needed the win. I don’t think it was the right time for them to clash just yet; they needed to pick up more steam in their respective journeys before their worlds collided.
I haven’t seen Hobbs that much lately, and it said on his entrance stats that Miro had only had three matches this year. The fans were a lot more involved than the earlier skirmish, having fun with chants about meat.
Aubrey the Prancing Pony refereed this one, and she, as per usual, did everything she could to draw attention to herself.
This battle also ended with a tap-out victory when Miro locked Hobbs in the Game Over.
Post-match, Hobbs offered a hand, which Miro shook. However, once Miro turned his back, Hobbs jumped Miro. This led to Lana and a steel chair coming out to make the save, but Miro wandered off on his own, telling her she wasn’t real.
Winner: Kris Statlander (pinfall)
Statlander’s serious approach lately is refreshing; it’s nice to see how far she’s grown in a few years. A lot of the roster could follow her lead. Soho isn’t going to start any major bidding wars between promotions, but the green girls in AEW will learn a lot more working five minutes with her than going 20 minutes with each other on Rampage.
Saraya pulled the referee to the side to allow Soho to introduce a spray paint can into the fight, but Toni Storm appeared and snatched the foreign object from her. Statlander capitalized and put Ruby away with her finish.
Winner: Bryan Danielson (TKO)
Danielson has obviously spent way too much time hanging out with Jon Moxley. I say this because Bryan was bleeding before the bell. This was due to Starks jumping him and hitting him with his belt buckle when Danielson was the only one of them to have the strap on their wrist. A bit overdone in AEW, but it created a plausible reason for Danielson to fight from underneath.
This was a teeth-clenching, air-sucking strap match with Ricky Steamboat on commentary, putting over Danielson and enjoying Starks getting a taste of his own medicine.
When it looked like Bryan was bringing things to an end, Big Bill attacked Danielson, but Ricky Steamboat equalized the interference.
The fight ended when Danielson modified the Lebell Lock and wrapped the strap around the neck of Starks, causing him to pass out.
What a brilliant main event for an enjoyable Pay Per Vi-… What?
Oh, that wasn’t the last match? I hope what’s left on the card doesn’t deteriorate the overall quality of the show…
Winners: Claudio Castagnoli & Wheeler Yuta (pinfall)
I’d continue saying, “Poor Claudio,” but he signed that contract, and he could have said “no” on many occasions. He may have been under/badly used in WWE, but he wasn’t being asked to be clowned by
Eric Cartman Eddie Kingston. There were moments of a legit wrestling match when Claudio and Shibata locked up, but the bad jokes made sure to disrupt the flow often.
From what I heard on my headphones, the crowd produced their first CM Punk chant of the show during this one. I wasn’t entertained either, so I made a bowl of cereal to keep me company.
After a stiff exchange, Claudio KO’d and pinned Kingston with one of his explosive European uppercuts.
A straight-up one-on-one scrap between Claudio and Shibata would have been more palatable here.
Winner: Konosuke Takeshita (pinfall)
A relatively grounded and paced contest… for a Kenny Omega match, at least. Don Callis barked orders from the start and aided Takeshita’s mission to injure Kenny’s neck whenever he could.
Omega showed restraint by only kicking out of about five big moves, as opposed to the hundreds of near-falls we usually see in his performances. Callis’ sneaky shenanigans offered ample opportunity for Takeshita to stay on top of Kenny, who was eventually bested with a series of running knee strikes.
Winners: Bullet Club Gold (pinfall)
The Hardy Soyz tried to keep their heads down and let FTR have the crowd’s attention for the majority of the fight. The arena soon filled with boos, “CM Punk,” “Young Bucks suck,” and “assholes” chants.
There was nothing wrong with most of the action in the ring, but the audience was far too busy making noise. Things look goofy when all four faces have all four heels in the exact same submission hold, but this is a very old issue.
When The Bucks made the hot tag, the crowd reverted to a sea of boos. They still had some support out there, just not as much overall.
The closing minutes of the 8-man saw another series of illegal manoeuvres that the useless referee just gawked at. While everyone was running around in circles, Cash Wheeler got double-teamed and pinned.
I loved FTR in NXT and expressed my frustration at their misuse on the WWE main roster back then. The same went for FTR’s early days in AEW, but now, as I said regarding Claudio Castagnoli, Dax and Cash embrace playtime with too many people who don’t take wrestling seriously. My bucket of sympathy for them is empty.
Winner: Jon Moxley (pinfall)
Moxley resisted the urge to get busted open by his entrance music, and he instead made Cassidy bleed very early on. Mox was in charge, and he smothered his blood-covered opponent for most of the bout.
When the beating was finally over, Mox had to hit his finish twice to put down Tony Khan’s favourite toy.
I’m not sure if someone has said something backstage or if everyone has collectively seen the embarrassing state of AEW to the outside world and caught a glimpse of themselves in the mirror. Either way, tonight’s PPV was (in general) taken more seriously than usual.
Okay, it was far from perfect. Moxley and Cassidy were on last, and there were a few previously-mentioned hiccups, but it was far from being the absolute shits and a total waste of money, which has been the case far too often.
– OLDER RESULTS –