WWE Crown Jewel 2023 results and commentary from Danny Damage!
We return to that annual dance where the Americans think they’re gradually changing the Saudis through business deals, and the Saudis think the Americans are slowly coming around to their way of thinking… mainly because of how Vince McMahon is.
Winner: Seth Rollins (pinfall)
Despite having the support of most of the crowd, McIntyre couldn’t get the job done. At the climax of their contest, Seth put Drew away with a Pedigree and Curb-stomp combination.
Afterwards, Damien Priest ran down and attempted to cash in his Money in the Bank contract, but Sami Zayn jumped him and stole the briefcase.
Winner: Rhea Ripley (pinfall)
The usual chaotic free-for-all when five people just go at it randomly for 20 minutes or so. The finish saw everyone hitting each other with their big moves before Ripley launched Stark with a Rip-tide off the top rope. This crushed Rodriquez and Baszler (the former was attempting to pin the latter), so Ripley covered Baszler for the win.
Winner: Solo Sikoa (pinfall)
Classic John Cena with the majority of the audience behind him. Sikoa’s goal was to hit Cena with the Samoan Spike so hard that Cena wouldn’t be able to enjoy a post-wrestling career in speaking and acting.
After dodging the first several attempts, Cena was dropped by a Samoan Spike out of nowhere. Then he ate about 20 more before Sikoa pinned him.
Winner: Logan Paul (pinfall)
These two worked well together and put on a good show. One of Paul’s pals tried to slip him a pair of brass knuckles, but Santos Escobar intervened and chased him off. However, Escobar left the knuckles on the apron, and Paul picked them up and then cracked Rey in the face with them.
Now that Paul has a WWE
marketing prop title belt to carry around with him and flaunt, I wonder if WWE will finally capture the elusive multi-million-strong mainstream audience they’ve been chasing for decades.
Winner: Iyo Sky (pinfall)
The crowd was a bit quiet during this one; it gave the feeling of preliminary girls opening a show. The work in the match was solid, with some of the fans eventually joining in and engaging.
Bayley ran in towards the end to cause a few distractions. That didn’t go to plan, so Kairi Sane made a surprise return, attacked Belair on the outside, and rolled her back in for Sky to Moon-sault and pin.
Winner: Cody Rhodes (pinfall)
Not a bad scrap, but far from a barn burner. The Judgment Day tried to get involved, but they were scared away by Jey Uso and a steel chair. Once Cody calmed things down, he ended Priest by hitting him with the Cross Rhodes THREE TIMES… because Cody killed that move way back in AEW.
Winner: Roman Reigns (pinfall)
Although many were excited about LA Knight being used in the main event/title match, we were served yet another drawn-out Roman Reigns screen test/audition/expression reel for anyone willing to hire him for TV or film.
Drunky Jimmy Uso played interference, which led to Knight kicking out at 2.999 after a Spear. Uso earned his pocket money shortly after when he put Roman’s foot on the rope following a Blunt Force Trauma from Knight.
Once he’d had enough of the double-team shenanigans, Knight started wailing on Roman and Uso on the outside. Unfortunately for Knight, he focused on Uso for too long, and Roman Speared him through the ringside barricade. All Reigns then needed to do was roll Knight back in and hit him with one more Spear to retain his belt.
It’s the same-old-same-old from WWE. They’re not shuffling around lost with their underpants around their ankles and shit on their legs (see: Wednesday nights), but they’re also not showcasing anything that would make anyone become addicted overnight.
– OLDER RESULTS –